Grace In Growth

From Path2 Coaching

Last week a learned a bruising lesson about giving myself grace during a time of growth.  I took a 3-day private course to get my motorcycle license.  I had never been on a motorcycle before then; it was an entirely new area of growth for me.  The experience was wonderful and empowering…up until the end.  To be more specific, it was wonderful until my judging inner critic voice got on a megaphone and terrorized my performance to the point that the instructor couldn’t withhold his astonishment at how I imploded during the test.  

My inner critic – my judge – is by far my most powerful inner saboteur.  He is ruthless about every aspect of my existence, my behavior, my thoughts, and my relationships.  To incorporate a March Madness reference, he makes Bobby Knight seem like Bob Ross or Mr. Rogers.  Normally, I can keep my judge in check and muzzled with consistent practices that increase my positive intelligence.  However, new areas of growth always present soft targets for him to attack.  Learning to ride a motorcycle where I would be evaluated with a test was just such a target.  

My inner judge blasted me with criticism about my competency, performance, and self-worth.  But it wasn’t just mean or unforgiving noise while I was trying a new activity.  He actually sabotaged my performance by convincing my body that I couldn’t do it.  That I shouldn’t do it.  That I will kill myself or others because I’m incompetent.  The judge’s messaging became a “kill switch” for my motor skills and a self-fulfilling prophecy, resulting in the judge being correct: I couldn’t do it.  I barely passed the test with the lowest passing score, after having been “a natural” for the days leading up to then.  I still have yet to make my license “official” because of the bad taste from this experience.  

This overpowering manipulation by my judge made me realize how devasting and undermining my inner critic can be; his messaging manifested in real limitations for myself.  Clearly, my inner judge is not my ally, yet I listened to him.  The last thing I – or anyone else – needs in a time of growth is an inner monologue working against the growth.  There was no grace or forgiveness in learning something new.

I reflect on my experience and compare it to my mentor’s experience in learning to draw and paint.  Over the past few years, he went from having limited artistic skills to producing beautiful and visually pleasing pieces.  Was it a quick process?  No.  Was it easy?  No.  But, it was steady progress that was not obstructed or sabotaged by an inner judge.  He gave himself grace to grow.  It is this kind of grace I wish I had during the test for my motorcycle license.

While this experience left me bruised, it reminded me that working to lessen the influence of my inner judge is a process of growth as well.  If I am to offer myself grace in growth, I need to forgive myself for this setback and get back to work on my positive intelligence practice, strengthening my inner sage to counteract my inner judge and the band of saboteurs.