Words vs. Actions
From Path2 Coaching
I recently had a disagreement with someone about the consistency between words and actions, and whether the actions are necessary to validate words. The specific situation was regarding the emotion of “love.”
Love is a verb (yes, it’s also a noun but the noun refers to the act of loving). The person I was interacting with asserted that he loved someone but did not feel the need to demonstrate his love with actions. He did not communicate with this person. He did not engage in acts of service toward this person, or on behalf of this person. He did not speak fondly about this person, and actually didn’t talk about or think about this person at all.
As someone who believes in the consistency between words and actions, I could not comprehend this perspective. So I sat with it a bit and tried to understand how or why he could hold these contradictory views. I thought about situations where there might be a similar conflict between love and actions in my own life.
If I love ice cream but don’t eat it, do I truly love it? Maybe I have a negative reaction to it, or feel awful after I eat it.
If I love to create art but don’t spend any time drawing, painting, or writing, do I truly love it? Maybe I don’t have the time or I’m not inspired to create art.
If I love the beach but never go to the beach, do I truly love it? Maybe I dislike crowds or the traffic to get there.
If I love myself but I abuse my self-esteem and engage in incessant negative self-talk, do I truly love myself?
What I concluded is that maybe it’s love but not enough love to endure the side effects. Or maybe I love the idea of loving the object, but don’t truly love the object itself.
Then I replaced love with a different assertion. Instead of love, I looked at similar emotional claims a person could make.
If a person claims that to be independent but still relies on their parents or friends for “adulting” tasks, are they still independent?
If a person claims that they are growth-minded but they are not willing to reflect on their thoughts or actions to improve their performance and their relationships, are they still growth-minded?
If a person claims that they are tolerant of others but they harbor silent critical judgment of people with a different orientation, religion, or race than themselves, are they still tolerant?
If a person claims to live with kindness but does not treat strangers with kindness, are they living with kindness?
What I realized is that often it’s not about having the emotion or trait (love, independence, growth, tolerance) at all, but the belief or expectation that the emotion or trait is something a person “should” have. The person claiming to love something, or lives by certain values, but does not follow through with actions consistent with those claims, is simply misleading themselves and consequently others.
As someone who is ardent about clarity in communication, I believe that the incongruency between the words and actions breeds confusion and undermines trust.
How can we believe what a person says when the person does not act in a way consistent with their words?
A claim without action or evidence is unfounded and is not to be relied upon.
So when we think about what we believe we do or who we are, if we want to be authentic and truthful about it, we must take action to bring that trait into reality through actions.